If you subscribe to the theory that every decision every person makes causes timelines to diverge, creating new universes upon new universes parallel to our own, it is possible to believe that, somewhere in all those universes, there is someone who actually liked 2004’s “Catwoman.”
But I still doubt it.
The movie is widely reviled, and deservedly so. It took a well-loved character that had just gotten a fantastic treatment in 1992’s “Batman Returns,” and squandered all the good will Michelle Pfeiffer had built in her rage-fueled, over-the-top performance. It took a well-regarded actress who had just gotten an actual Oscar in 2001’s “Monster’s Ball,” and put her in ridiculous poses, embarrassing scenes and one of the most tragic superhero costumes ever to grace the silver screen, even though this
is a thing which exists.
“Catwoman” earned seven Golden Raspberry nominations and actually won four. Berry picked up her Worst Actress award with her Oscar in her other hand.
While she may have contributed to making Catwoman bad – and it’s always hard to tell whether any given poor performance is the fault of the actor or the director – she’s certainly not the only culprit to blame here. The writers owe Berry an apology. They owe Benjamin Bratt, who played Berry’s cop love interest here, an apology too. Heck, they should probably apologize to anybody who saw this movie thinking it would be good or even mediocre.
That doesn’t include me. I knew what I was getting into, although I honestly did not expect it to be as bad as it was.
The movie starts inauspiciously, with a credit sequence of “historical” images of women of various eras wearing cat ears hanging out with cats and doing battle, on tapestries and manuscripts, implying to the audience that cat women have always existed.
This would make more sense if we knew what cat women were, but this is the very beginning of the movie. As it is, it just seems like we’re being shown that a lot of illustrators throughout the centuries have had a fetish for women wearing cat ears. Considering some of the stuff that turns up in Medieval manuscripts, that wouldn’t be a big surprise, either.
Right off the bat the movie has a big problem: it expects us to believe that Halle Berry is mousy and unattractive, just because she’s wearing ugly clothes and her hair is slightly frizzy.
I can suspend my disbelief for magical cat people, and superheroes, and even dragons, elves, transporters and holodecks, but there is no world in which this woman
is frumpy, or even plain. She’s not even Hollywood-frumpy!
For some reason, this movie isn’t about the Catwoman everyone knows (cat burglar and Batman love interest Selina Kyle), so just forget all about that and think of this as a totally separate character. It’s not going to help you like this movie, but at least the real Catwoman won’t be sullied by association with this garbage that way.
Instead, Berry plays Patience Phillips, a mousy nice girl who works for a cosmetics company. At some point, a magical cat decides that she is a nice person, so when she finds out her company’s product has dangerous side-effects and company goons kill her, the cat and a whole herd of its buddies turn up to resurrect her.
After she comes back to life, Patience is literally a cat-woman, who sleeps on shelves, eats tuna straight from the can, has catlike athletic abilities and generally doesn’t give a flying f*** about anything. Given this last trait, a masked Patience robs a jewelry store, interrupting another set of robbers and kicking their butts before she takes the shinies herself.
For the rest of the movie, she dodges her bosses, who are trying to kill her, and the police, who are trying to arrest her. One policeman in particular, Lone (played by Benjamin Bratt), is trying date Patience and arrest Catwoman, which leads to one of the worst scenes I’ve seen in any movie.
You really need to see it yourself, and thanks to the glories of YouTube, you can. It’s a little less than 2 minutes of pure awkwardness, in all its incredibly wooden glory, but if you don’t want to see it, it involves Catwoman beating Lone in a one-on-one basketball game that some neighborhood kids challenged them to… against each other… because that’s how that works, apparently.
She wins by using her powers. I didn’t realize that cats were such amazing basketball players!
There are a lot of other problems with this movie, including prejudice against black cats. No, that’s not a joke. The magical cat the Patience sees at the beginning of the movie is named Midnight. If I told you my cat was named Midnight, what type of cat would you imagine?
If you said “a gray tabby,” congratulations! You were the cat-casting director of “Catwoman,” because I refuse to believe there are two people who think that way in this universe.
Then there’s the Catwoman costume, which as I mentioned before is egregiously bad. It’s confusing, too, because they actually had a Catwoman costume in the movie that was very good, and they easily could have just stuck with that and had a hit. When Patience robs the jewelry store, she wears this:
That’s actually quite close to a number of the iconic outfits Catwoman has worn over time. Here’s Anne Hathaway in “The Dark Knight Rises,” for example:
Or here’s Michelle Pfeiffer, in “Batman Returns”:
And in the comics she’s had outfits that even more closely resemble the one Patience wears to rob the jewelry store, like this one:
But instead of sticking with that outfit, or choosing from the vast array of other costumes Catwoman has worn over the years (seriously, there’s been loads) , they came up with something new. Something different. Something that oh dear god why, why, why.
Clearly they didn’t think putting Halle Berry in black leather was sexy enough, and came up with this sin against fashion and superheroes instead.
The movie does do a couple of things that I liked. One, it has a crazy cat lady in it, and no, I don’t mean Patience. There’s another older lady who serves as an exposition-o-matic, dutifully doling out plot like a mom serving up mashed potatoes at dinner. She does a nice job, but it’s also nice just to see any woman over the age of 40 in a movie at all since it’s so uncommon.
The other good thing about the movie is Sharon Stone, who plays one of the villains owning the cosmetics company selling a dangerous product.
Women don’t often get scenery-chewing villain parts, and it’s fun to see Sharon Stone lay into the part and give it all she’s got. If you’re given a cheesy part, you might as well play it up to its cheesy potential, and Stone absolutely did that here.
If you’ve seen Charlize Theron in the (also horrible) “Snow White and the Huntsman,” you’re familiar with the role and general style. It was a departure for Stone, and I was sorry it didn’t happen in a better movie, because she put in a very credible performance.
But even Stone, a bevy of adorable cats, and an actual Oscar-winning actress couldn’t stop this movie from being Reel Bad.
You must be logged in to post a comment.